shoot

yes, i am still alive.

my blogging goals and ambitions have been so far on the back burner that i almost could not reach them anymore!
almost.

so much has happened in my life the last several months that i shall spend the next six months trying to catch up and then be that much further behind.

i will skip all that.
instead, how about fun little bullet points and if anything sounds interesting and you would like to hear more about it, let me know in the comments and i will post about it!

(dashes work for bullet points, right?)

- house hunting: looking, applying for mortgage, offers and rejections
- a move
- housesitting jobs
- work
- beach trip

one of the things i will write about today is an adventure i went on this past Saturday.
my dear friend  said i could tag-a-long on an engagement photo shoot she had scheduled. i love taking pictures and would love to improve my skills- after Saturday i think it is safe to say that i dont have any skills.
an interest doesnt count. i want to get better and that is lesson number one i learned!

since i didnt know the couple i wont write a lot about them- they were a very sweet couple, easy to talk to and easy to take pictures of, if i could get the settings right on my camera! =(
oh well, i do want to put up some of my favorite pictures, just because they are mine and i like a couple of them, even if they are not all that clear and sharp.
(plus editing them is always fun and that made some look a little better!)

meet Brandy and Robert

                           

 

 this is one of my favorites! i love how it turned out!

these are the same picture and i cant decide which i like better-

 the original on the left
              or
                the edited on the right

... thoughts?

 i wont post all my mess-ups, in fact i deleted most of them. i just wanted to show what i want to learn not to do! i kept this one for reminders sake: he was whispering, she was giggling- very cute and natural. low lighting, bad setting and i get blurred vision! total bummer!!!

oh well- hope to be around the blogging world more often, till next time. . .

Reminder

"Love these boys God loaned me"

This phrase was written as part of a status for a friend of mine on Facebook. 

It has been a rough few weeks for me- emotionally, physically and spitually- and when I read this, I got a little teary-eyed.

My sister told me something similar when I was going through my hellish week a year ago. She said, "they [our babies] aren't really ours- we have to let them go and give them back to God, even from the very beginning" 

I want to trust God and His timing and all those wonderful things I've heard thousands I times- but I will tell you, it's been and is hard!

He knows how badly Mr.J and I want to have lots of kids to love on and raise in godliness and truth. 

Maybe one day that will happen. Hopefully soon...

But whenever it is, I hope to remember that they are on "loan" and to treasure the moments with thanksgiving to the One who holds us all!

Happy Birthday!

My dear little one,

Has it really been a year? Where has the time gone? Some days it seems to be much longer than a year- and other days it seems just like yesterday!

I love and miss you so very much! Each day my heart gets stronger as I learn to trust more in the Father you have spent so much time with! I'm sure this has been the best year of your life! ;)  

(Your momma can be a bit dorky)

There are things that surround me of your brief life with us- things I look at to celebrate you and thank God for the time with you! I am learning how precious life is and value each breath I am given. 

I thought maybe God would give me some siblings for you- but His timing has not been mine. He is faithful and good, and knows JUST what He's doing!

I look at this world and all it's mess- and think of all you were spared from. Who knows, it may not be long before we meet, and can spend life together worshiping our Creator!

My dear Enoch, today I celebrate you- my heart is heavy in thinking back to having to say goodbye, and yet at the same time, I have joy and peace this day. Each month there is a twinge of grief all over again, and I have to trust God on another level. He is holding me, just as He is you my son. It's a wonderful place to be.

I will always miss you.

I will always love you.

I will always be your momma, and 

you will always be my Baby Mine.

Happy Birthday Enoch!

Lessons from Ellie

If you don't know Ellie, then let me introduce you to her.

Ellie is spunky, a little of the girl next door, gonna hold no punches back and be the best friend you always wanted. 

She is a big dreamer and loves life and all the little adventures that it brings. 

Now as a wife there are things I have learned from Ellie...

1) She never puts her husband down- even joins in on his "blunders" making it an enjoyable memory instead of a moment of tension....

2) She works beside her husband-

Fixing up their house...

At the zoo in an area that was their passion...

On decorating in a way that was so "them"

And on household chores.

3) Ellie dreamed with Carl - 

Seeing potential in the mundane...

On all the sights they wanted to see together...

And all the places they wanted to go together...

And in growing together...

4) She sought comfort from Carl in the midst of dreams not coming true... 

(This part always makes me cry b/c it hits so close to home)

5) Though their dreams changed a little, they still enjoyed life together- In just being together...

6) She stayed with him in sickness...

And in health... 

In quiet times...

And in times of frustration...

7) She was the wife of his youth,

And his bride till the end...

They danced through life as one...

Laughing along the way...

I know that Carl and Ellie are not real. But their story was thought up and woven together with real life struggles most couples face.

As a wife I have a choice as to how I am going to respond to my Mr.J... 

If I choose to be bitter and allow little things to frustrate me, or wallow when my dreams don't come true- then I would miss some really great moments with my man!

"Adventure is out there!" - what kind will you have?

To see Carl and Ellie's life in under five minutes, click the link- just be ready to cry!

http://youtu.be/F2bk_9T482g

Do you hear what i hear?!?

Guess what i heard this morning?!?
Birds!!!
There in the twilight of the morning, those little spring song birds were singing their hearts out!
My soul sang along to a melody without words that worshipped our Great GOD in this glimpse of the newness ahead!
Spring is coming and i am not the only one who can feel it!
You couldnt shut those birds up if you wanted to!
So let it out- smile, sing, have a "spring" in your step- because,
its COMING!!!!!

Bing photo

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photo credit to Bing

"Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds?" Luke 12:24

The bird pictured is not a raven, but i liked it... It looked like it was singing and reminded me that birds sing and worship God- i should too, on a more constant basis! HE looks after the birds and knows each one- i am more valuable to HIM than those beautiful, colorful, singing birds!!

Being Real

Things have been going on in my heart and mind that i needed to write.
Words dont come together very well for me, so i am enlisting the a visual aid from this scene from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
(disclaimer- maybe be gruesome and unsettling for small children: be careful as you watch)

Breakdown of the scene - As the Fellowship approached the gate- things seemed hopeless.

Isnt he attractive?

This large daunting gate loomed in front of them, stopping them from going any further.
In the clip the "mouth" of Sauron comes to welcome them. His twisted words struck fear in their hearts.
It paralyzed them and momentarily got their eyes off their mission.

If you keep watching the clip, Aragorn - a symbol of Christ as our Coming King- silences the vile creature with a "blow to the head." He rallies the group together and encourages them to fight...
This post is not a comparison of The Lord of the Rings and life, so just hang in there. . .

On Sunday my pastor talked about "Iron Gates" in our own life. . . The passage we were going through was where Peter was imprisoned and the angel walked with him out of the chains, guards, prison walls and city, to the iron gate... (Acts 12:1-10) The gate opened on its own accord and they walked through....

The thing is this- Since May, i have been sitting in the shadow of a black gate. The gate of death has loomed over me- thinking i was fine, that 'this too would pass' i went into coping mode.
My life has not been lived to the fullest, and seeing that one of the reasons Jesus came was to give life- to the fullest, i feel like i have been jipping myself.

There were many questions i had after the death of my son. Questions i still dont have the answers to, and wont this side of heaven, BUT i am learning. i put quite a bit of pressure on myself to do certain things and in my mind, i was going to get pregnant again right away... i didnt.
i still havent.
My due date passed and my arms were empty. The time passed to where i could get pregnant again, and if i had carried Enoch full term i would have two little ones! (well be pregnant with the second)
Each month as dear AF came the heart ache would return, the mourning over the fact that another life had not formed became very heavy for me. The burden i lugged around was zapping my joy for friends in their new babies and pregnancies. Sure i said the motions, but my heart broke a little each time with, "God - why not me?!" 

im not saying that it is wrong for me to have these feelings, but it is wrong with how long i have allowed myself to wallow in them.

Its time to live life!

i still miss my baby- i ALWAYS will! No matter how many arrows God fills our quiver with, my heart will keep a place for Enoch- always cherished and remembered in our family.

i dont want my miscarriage to BE my story- i want it to be a PART of my story! There are lots of things God is teaching me and things i will have to learn and relearn. But its time to be active about it!

Time to walk through that gate.
God has provided me with the right clothes.
i am no longer going to listen to the twists of truth the devil speaks to me.
i am choosing life, whatever comes my way. i know HE wont leave me, and HE will see me through the gate!

much cuter picture than the first one on this post!