Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Mizpah

It was a lonely day. Not that I was alone, in fact I was surrounded by people all day! It was lonely for the fact of missing "him"
I am going to vent, because well I can, but my mom always says,...
"Thats fine as long as you dont stay there!"
So I wont, but its how I am feeling today.
You see this older man was waiting for his food and made small talk with me as I stocked the condiment bar. He noticed my ring on my left hand and asked how long I had been married. With a sigh I told him I was not yet married, and that the ring was my promise ring. He looked at me with that, 'You're still young look' but instead of telling me what everyone else has, he said, "Dont rush it, enjoy it when you get there, but dont rush it." Moisture attacked his eyes as he looked at the lady at the counter, "I married my sweetheart. Going on 49 years, I wouldnt want it any other way." He winked and joined the bride of his youth for their dinner.
Now, I keep getting lessons on waiting! You would think I have it down by now, but I dont.
I am ever learning that just because God says wait, that doesnt mean a no.
And just because I need to wait, doesnt mean I have to sit and do nothing in the mean time.
I am 24 years old. I have had the one dream and desire to be married and have my own family, but not only that, to be a young mom. I am getting old. (dont laugh at me, this is how I feel....)
You see, I kind of need to get to know someone. That will take some time, and I didnt really want honeymoon kids, so there are a few more years.... So we are looking at me being 30?!?! No offense to those that old or older, but thats old to be starting a big family. I am trying not to put God in a box, His time frame is far from my own... I know that, but I am not grasping that.
I fully believe that God placed this dream in my heart. In doing so He will not abandon me, or it. Ever since I was a little girl- the one thing I would say when asked what I wanted to be when I grow up was- "A mom."
I dont think God would put this in my heart to take it from me... would He?
I love God more than the idea of getting married.
I love God more than the desire of having my own family.
I just want to know it will happen. I want to know that He hasnt abandoned this dream He placed in my heart.
I need to know that He is working in both my and my husbands lives to get us ready. I just want to see something in the works.
The unknown is scary. I want to see some light shining... right now, I am just overwhelmed by the darkness....
Ok, I will stop the venting. I named this post Mizpah for the verse in Genesis 31. (verse 49 if you wanted to know) It says this:
"May the LORD watch between you and me while we are absent one from another."
From the first time I read this verse till now, it has been my prayer for my husband. I am still holding on to this. I dont know where "he" is.
Do I know him?
Have I met him?
Do I like him?
Does he drive me crazy?
Does my family know him- do they like him?
Does he think of me?
So many questions, only One knows the answers.
So for now I will pray.
I will pray that God will not be absent from either of us.
I pray that this time we will both grow in ways that will allow us to be the couple God has in mind for us to be- working together to do His will.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

Wow. I so understand what you are feeling - maybe not in the exact same context, but certainly understand the difficulty in the waiting. I did get married young (which I'm so thankful for) but I find myself in a place I didn't plan to be in. I never thought I'd be 29 with no children in my arms. I know God has an amazing plan for your life, Erin, which will include a wonderful man. I know that when the Lord puts that special man in your life, it will be worth the wait. It will make all these years of waiting so worth it! And I have a feeling that when it happens, it will happen fast! Hang in there and continue to be faithful! Lots of love, Sarah :-)