Sunday, January 30, 2011


There is a wonderful peace that comes when you leave baggage at the cross.
i have heard this before, and i have prayed before, but to take a physical action, write down the burden and tac it to the cross was a free-ing experience. Humbling at the same time, because i had to face the ugly truth of things i had been trying to avoid and step around.
i will say that hatred is awful. It will eat at you, ruining other relationships, but most importantly stunt growth in your relationship with Christ.
i have been here in this place- for too long. i have let fear, distrust, and hurt eat me from the inside out. i have had nightmares over my thoughts, and it has driven me to the passage in 1John where it talks about- "How can you love Me whom you have not seen, and hate your brother whom you have seen?" It goes through my head in circles when situations arise that make me face the persons that evoke these feelings.
i can remind myself that i am no different when i tell a "white" lie. But that doesnt help in the healing process.
Tonight, i let it go. i know that there will still be times when those feelings may rise back up, but i have pinned to the cross, and the sinless blood that was spilled on it, has covered it, and overcome it. So when those feelings start to rear their heads, i will remember the actions i took tonight and rest in the grace that God provides.
There is freedom that comes with the peace, and so now i can rest. i bid you goodnight, and if you have something weighing on your mind- take it to the cross. Leave it there- and REST in PEACE!!!

What was she thinking?

So last time i blogged about this guy and trying to figure out what goes on inside guys' heads in general...
But i have to say, sometimes i wonder what goes on in other girls' heads!
In my job, i get to do a lot of people watching! i witness girls in their actions and dress and have to wonder what went through their heads!
i said in the last post that girls act around guys... that is not always true. There are some girls that dont hold anything back.
i think of Ivy's sister on The Village, and she went up to Lucius declaring her love- only to be rejected and heartbroken.
i guess there is a certain amount acting that needs to be done, well maybe just being reserved and not acting. But there is also a time and a way to be vulnerable and letting someone know a little how you feel?
Honestly, i dont know. i have goofed and made blunders, but i know there is a balance.
i just want to find it before i end up like one of those girls i roll my eyes at and wonder, "what went through her head?!?"

Thursday, January 27, 2011

what was he thinking?

So i just DONT understand guys....
Love 'em, can't live without 'em, cant wait for my own,...
BUT- all the ones in between are mindboggling!
Why in the world would a guy friend be all, "Hey, i miss you" if he didnt really miss me?
How do i know he didnt "miss" me? Because he's done this sort of thing before.
He's just a boy who says things without thinking, wanting some kind of emotion from me, and all i have is confusion.
He told me that guys get embarrassed when they talk to girls, (i kind of just mentally rolled my eyes at that one) and i told him that it was all good because girls are really good at acting.
He wanted to know how guys could get to know the real girl.
Here's my thought on it. . .
If the guy is really intent on getting to know the girl, than he will. Through the pursuit he will break through the wall and get to know the real girl. Then he will not be embarrassed when he talks with her, and she will not be acting around him! ;)
i dont know if i will ever know what makes guys tick, or what they think, but maybe one day i will understand them a little bit more. In the mean time i will remain a friend to those around me, and maybe a little acting. . . ;)

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


The blank page taunts me as the cursor sits and blinks in constant reminder that i have not started writing. . .
But whats to say? Does what i feel or think make a difference? Maybe not, but it sure does feel better to get it out of the head and on to "paper" (so to speak, i'm not really writing, i'm typing, so i guess i'm getting my thoughts on to the screen?)
Anywho, lately, i have been challenged to start.
The only way i will ever finish anything is to start it, but there is a terrifying unknown that lurks when you "start"
Words are powerful. They evoke emotions, thoughts, feelings, and sometimes actions.
They allow me to revel in God's AWESOMENESS, or come face to face with things i thought i could avoid. Avoiding is still possible- i guess, if i wanted to go in to denial.... =)
Words can be truth, twisted, or out-right bullogna!
Why do i let words affect me, if i know they are not truth?
Is there a way that a person's words can really not take root? There have been things that i have rolled off my back, ignored or not given second thought to- or so i thought.
It seems in the most random of times they will come back, echoing through my brain.
i know it is an attack, and if not armored with another WORD, (the SWORD of the Spirit which is the WORD of God) - i will fall hard.
It happens often, desafortunademente' (something like that... its supposed to be unfortunately in Spanish, but i dont think i spelled it right!)
i am still learning. i have lots more to learn, but there are some things i am going to "Start" doing:
- fitting myself with the WORD, the only ones that matter anyways
- talking more to Dad, not just in times of trouble or screw-ups
- resting in the grace He has supplied, and applying it to my prayer
- read the Bible through- its slow going, but if my atheist co-worker can go through it twice, then i can do it and glean so much more!

i know that there are lots of other things i want to start, but those are the ones that come to mind right now. Hopefully i will blog more often so my posts are not so random, and long, but then i guess its whats in my head that needed to come out. . . =p

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Heart Condition

beep. beep. beep. beeeeeeeeeeeeep. . .
A heart monitor hooked to a patient showing the life left inside, makes a piercing sound that either gives a little hope or breaks the hope of loved ones waiting for a turn-a-round.

i have a very serious heart condition. Depending on the activity, it could be hazardous- maybe even fatal to my health.
My heart is very frail- been broken, and longing for more, with nothing but waiting on the horizon, i have to be careful the things i am involved in.

Tonight my CG went dancing. No its not a sin, and i even tried to convince myself that it would be ok if i went, but how foolish i was! (props to my parental units who help remind me of convictions and standards that i have placed in my heart) i never want to be comfortable in the arms of any guy. To be held is a special thing i am looking forward to, but i dont want it to become just something else that i do. i have dated, and i have been hugged and held close, and as a girl, that is a secure feeling! i miss that- and to use my brothers in my CG to fulfill a slight pleasure would have been VERY wrong on my part! i feel bad even thinking that, but i have to be honest with myself if things are going to be overcome in my life. . .

i chose to go to the lesson- and just watch. i wanted to be a part of my group and be there to cheer them on, and see what it was all about.
At first, everyone stood around and there was NO contact between guys and girls. i had a feeling rise of, "i could have done that!" But as the pairs shaped up, the longing to be on the dance floor rose too! i wanted to see if i was any good. i wanted to know what it would be like to learn something with someone. i wanted it to be me out there!

As i watched them grasp hands, turn, dance closer and laugh as they stepped on each other's feet- i knew i could have done it, and it would have felt good for a moment, but my critical heart condition would have gone red-line.
The friendships i have worked hard to build and maintain, would have crumbled. Emotions would have sored and i would be lost on the rollercoaster of- "It was so much fun when we danced! i wonder, what if. . ." and so forth and so on....

i had to reign in my heart and mind- God is good and by His grace i was able to enjoy being there and laugh along with them! i genuinely had a great time being there! One day, i will be a Mrs. and with my husband -
We will dance
When the sun is shining
In the pouring rain
We'll spin and we'll sway
And we will dance
When the gentle breeze
Becomes a hurricane
The music will play
And I'll take your hand
And hold you close to me
And we will dance
SCC_we will dance-chorus lyrics

Monday, January 10, 2011

touched by lyrics. . .

i dont know if its my lack of being able to hear a beat, sing on tune, or carry the right note in a bucket, but i LOVE music... and usually am moved by the lyrics being sung. i have a hard time putting to words how i am feeling so when i hear someone else formulate it artistically- its great! The next three songs are such, and i hope they encourage you in some way!

I need to just admit, my faith is paper thin-- I'm feeling so burned out on religion
I say an empty prayer, I sing a tired song, I need to just admit that the passion's gone
And I want to get it back-- You told me Look for You and I will find
So I'm here like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus! Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You
I want to learn to pray-- the way that David prayed.
I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name
I want to feel like new I want to hunger for you
Bring me back to life, like only You can do-- Cause I don't want to stay the same

How long can you keep building those walls around your heart?
And how long can you keep running from who you really are?
Don't you know that He knows you- sees everything you've done
So tell me why you keep trying to fool everyone?
Do you wanna feel true redemption?
And do you wanna be free?
Let it out- Everything you've worked so hard to hide
Let it out- Leave it at the cross where Jesus died
Take off your mask- find peace at last
Cause He loves you more than you could ever know
The weary and the broken, be everything that's true
Admit how much you need healing, let Him bring it all to you!
Do you wanna have true salvation?
Do you wanna have peace?
Trade it all for love and freedom -trade it all for saving grace
Take off your mask, find peace at last
Cause He loves you more than you could ever know---Let it out

I've been here before- It's hard to ignore
I'm so used to fighting the same old wars
Oh what do you see- when your looking at me? Have I taken You for granted?
I can't afford this pain anymore, won't You help me understand it?
God can You hear me? I need You here tonight!
I'm tired of pretending, that everything's alright!
And I know, I know that You hold tomorrow, but I need You here tonight!
I want to feel, I need something real! I want to go closer to You!
I lay down my will! Oh this human disease, it's killing me! Tell me, have I been left stranded?
I can't ignore- this pain anymore! Won't You help me understand it?
Won't You say, that You'll carry me through the storm?
Won't You stay till the morning comes- just stay!
God can You hear me? I need You here tonight!
I'm tired of pretending, that everything's alright!
And I know, I know that You hold tomorrow, but I need You here tonight!

Special thanks to:
Starfield's "Rediscover You"
Chris and Conrad's "Let it Out"
Tait's "God Can You Hear Me?"

Sometimes when you hear a song, its just a nice song, but when you read the words, it takes on a new meaning. i hope you have a chance to hear the songs, for they really are very good! =)

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Voyage and other adventures

Brilliant colors.
Painted faces.
Blurry lines.
Hidden places.
Silent laughter.
Held-back tears.
Slivered hope.
Growing fears.
Questionable stance.
Forgotten times.
Backwards glance.
Tomorrow's dreams.
Unspoken wishes.
Screaming silence.
Enemy kisses.
Awaiting love.

i took my sister to see Voyage of the Dawn Treader tonight. I think she enjoyed it- as did i! i have always been a Narnia fan, i think secretly wishing it was real... so it was fun to see the next chapter unfold!
Here are some quotes i liked from it- (there were actually a lot of good ones in this movie!)

"To defeat the darkness out there, you must defeat the darkness inside yourself."

"Because there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there." <-- that one is one of Aslan's last lines. Upon the realization that she will not be coming back, Lucy wants to know how she will find Aslan in her world. i love His reply!

There were lots of other good parts, and they may be stems for another blog post... for now, the line grows to get on the computer and i must sign out!
May we keep searching for "Aslan" in this world. . .

Monday, January 03, 2011

Thoughts from CG

As i think back over the evening, there is a DCB song line that keeps running through my head...

"The heart breaking, makes a sound, I never knew could be, so beautiful and loud. . . "

The song continues on talking about our humanity coming face to face with God and what happens is a beautiful collision- it may be painful at times, but beauty still in it all because of the grace God supplies.

CG held a few of such collisions tonight.
We talked on prayer.
Maybe not so much of a colliding topic, but it was for me. As we shared, talked, confessed, laughed and cried, i came to the point of realizing just how desperate i am for God- despite how i may be feeling, i am in the place of desperation.

Now, in my whole "churchy up-bringing" and SS lessons through the Lord's Prayer, and learning all the acrostics you can think of for learning to pray the right way, i put it all on the back burner. i wanted to be real. i dont think i have ever been "desperate" for anything in my entire life- much less God. i have sung the songs, (Im, lost without You, Im, desperate for You. . . ) i've read the Psalms, (As the deer pants for water, so my soul longs for (is desperate for) you) Really? Lip service. There has never been a time i can remember that i have been desperate for God... till tonight.

Rob-B read a part from a book(i wish i could share the name of it, but i dont know what the book was called) and it said that "God is attracted to weakness" i guess reflecting kind of on Paul's sharing "Of when I am weak than I am strong" (i think that is in 2 Corinthians??) But it got me to thinking. . .

If prayer is just a conversation, between me and God, there doesnt need to be a listed way to talk to Him, does there?
Well when we prayed tonight there sure wasnt. It was just us, and Him.
We were raw, exposed, and vulnerable - to one another and before God.
Put aside were the thoughts of what others were thinking about me, if i fumbled over words, lost a thought, couldnt use big terms... i was encompassed in the reality, that i was, and am in ever constant need of Christ. Shame on me to ever think i have it down pat.

Leftwich said it plainly- it has echoed through my heart all night.
"Help me to want to want that relationship with you"

i am confident that my relationship has already begun- but it has been stagnant for a while.
i am ready for a change. i have no words, other than the cry of my heart.

"im broken. Only You can fix me. i need You. . ."