Being Real

Things have been going on in my heart and mind that i needed to write.
Words dont come together very well for me, so i am enlisting the a visual aid from this scene from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
(disclaimer- maybe be gruesome and unsettling for small children: be careful as you watch)

Breakdown of the scene - As the Fellowship approached the gate- things seemed hopeless.

Isnt he attractive?

This large daunting gate loomed in front of them, stopping them from going any further.
In the clip the "mouth" of Sauron comes to welcome them. His twisted words struck fear in their hearts.
It paralyzed them and momentarily got their eyes off their mission.

If you keep watching the clip, Aragorn - a symbol of Christ as our Coming King- silences the vile creature with a "blow to the head." He rallies the group together and encourages them to fight...
This post is not a comparison of The Lord of the Rings and life, so just hang in there. . .

On Sunday my pastor talked about "Iron Gates" in our own life. . . The passage we were going through was where Peter was imprisoned and the angel walked with him out of the chains, guards, prison walls and city, to the iron gate... (Acts 12:1-10) The gate opened on its own accord and they walked through....

The thing is this- Since May, i have been sitting in the shadow of a black gate. The gate of death has loomed over me- thinking i was fine, that 'this too would pass' i went into coping mode.
My life has not been lived to the fullest, and seeing that one of the reasons Jesus came was to give life- to the fullest, i feel like i have been jipping myself.

There were many questions i had after the death of my son. Questions i still dont have the answers to, and wont this side of heaven, BUT i am learning. i put quite a bit of pressure on myself to do certain things and in my mind, i was going to get pregnant again right away... i didnt.
i still havent.
My due date passed and my arms were empty. The time passed to where i could get pregnant again, and if i had carried Enoch full term i would have two little ones! (well be pregnant with the second)
Each month as dear AF came the heart ache would return, the mourning over the fact that another life had not formed became very heavy for me. The burden i lugged around was zapping my joy for friends in their new babies and pregnancies. Sure i said the motions, but my heart broke a little each time with, "God - why not me?!" 

im not saying that it is wrong for me to have these feelings, but it is wrong with how long i have allowed myself to wallow in them.

Its time to live life!

i still miss my baby- i ALWAYS will! No matter how many arrows God fills our quiver with, my heart will keep a place for Enoch- always cherished and remembered in our family.

i dont want my miscarriage to BE my story- i want it to be a PART of my story! There are lots of things God is teaching me and things i will have to learn and relearn. But its time to be active about it!

Time to walk through that gate.
God has provided me with the right clothes.
i am no longer going to listen to the twists of truth the devil speaks to me.
i am choosing life, whatever comes my way. i know HE wont leave me, and HE will see me through the gate!

much cuter picture than the first one on this post!