Whether they are right or wrong, they reflect where I am today.
I was told the other day of a song by Mandisa that says, basically, it's ok to cry, and ask God why because you are still asking the right person, He's still God and though things may not make sense, He is good!
That is where I am today. I've cried. I've prayed. I've asked the questions.
Honestly I chastise myself for some of my doubts, I mean- look at Pastor Saeed's wife. I'm pretty sure there is not a day that goes by where she does not plead God for her husband to come home. Has God turned a deaf ear to her- no. He is being made more famous having her husband in Evin prison, then at home with her....
I think about that and wonder how I can be making God famous? My prayers for children have not fallen on deaf ears- God is having me wait.
It's hard when I get a lot of, "you're so young." "You have plenty of time" and my personal favorite- (said very sarcastically) "maybe you're just not ready"
I KNOW I will not be a perfect mom.
I KNOW that I will have a lot to learn!
Who are you to say that I am not ready?
How do you say that I am not ready and the teenage girl down the street who doesn't know who the baby's daddy is gets to have her baby?!?
No. I do not think it is a matter of not being ready.
I think it has everything to do with God's plan for my life.
Does it make sense to me - no.
Do I still ask why- all the time.
Does that make me doubt God - not at all.
God has been, is and will be GOOD! Despite where I am and what is going on around me, His plan and purposes are all for a reason. I may not know those reasons this side of heaven, and honestly they won't matter on that side.
I know these ramblings of a wife on the other side of your screen may not make much sence, but they needed to go somewhere.
I needed to remind myself of who God is.
I needed to see that I am not going crazy, but that I do need to refocus my thoughts on God and all that He is... Good, honorable, right, just, true, pure, lovely, excellent and worthy of ALL my praise!
So I choose to rejoice - for this is the day that Lord has made, and it is good!