ironing out the jumbles in my head

So much for the 30 days. . . i may still continue it.
It sure wont be consecutive... =)

i lack motivation to write. To be honest- i think i have low self-esteem issues.
i spent my child-hood befriending those others made fun of, but what if i actually just fit in with them? i think about what other people think, and then it makes my head hurt!
Ever go in to a situation- think it went well and then realize you were a nerd the whole time?
im not saying i should be someone else, or try to fit in- but what is said when i leave the room?
Are people happy when i finally go? Do they cringe when i walk in the door?
Do i act in a way that hinders someone else from doing something?
In great strides to serve other people, whose feet am i stepping on?
Ever just smile around a socailly awkward person, tollerating them? Well, sometimes i feel like i am one! (socailly awkward that is) =)
i love being me, but sometimes i wish i was different.
There isnt really someone in particular that i want to be like, just different...

Here we are approaching Christmas and i am wallowing in self-pity. There should be no thoughts about myself, and yet as i read the accounts in Matthew and Luke, the thought of "Would God have picked me to be the mother of Jesus if He were to come today and not 2000+ years ago?" There are so many different aspects of the reason for the season, i just need to get off myself.

At Community Group last night, one of the guys there shared how everything this Christmas is just so special to him. You see, he joined God's family this past spring, and so this is really his first Christmas with eyes to all that it really means.
i dont want to loose that. i dont want to be calloused to the words of carols, or the enormity of what Jesus did.
He has been on mission from the very beginning. i want to be a part of His mission, instead of feeling like i am not fitting in, or a dork of the group (which i dont mind being called a dork, it just seemed to fit in my ramblings)
i want to let the real reason for the season be what i am all about. After all- He > i