i love you

i'll love you forever,

 

a beautiful necklace you Aunt Meg made me

i'll like you for always,

 

your daddy and i built you a bear

as long as i'm living,

 

so we can tell your siblings about you and where you're waiting for us

my baby you'll be.

Celebration Day

"Since you were precious in MY sight, you have been honored, and I have loved you,"... Isaiah 43:4a

My Dear Enoch, 
Today my heart is heavy. This day women all over are being remembered, doted on and honored as moms. It is because of you dear one, i get to be honored as well. 
At church this morning, i talked (and cried) about you. i tried to think on all the encouragement and things GOD has done through your home-going, but the pain was still there. The tears burned and started so stream, as one of my friends told me, "They aren't always tears of mourning, but tears of a momma's love..."
Dear Enoch, how i wish you could be here still. To feel you kick and wiggle with growth and life. . . to be able to hold you in my arms in just a little while. i just have to wait a little while longer....
i mentioned in your birthday letter why your daddy and i chose your name. . . our prayer has been that GOD would be glorified through our lives, and you being a part of it, means that HE would be glorified through you as well. GOD has lead people to HIMSELF in ways you may be finding out. Some dear friends gave me a card this afternoon - one that said a Gideon Bible has been placed somewhere. It could be a hotel, a military base, a restaurant, a school or prison. GOD's word will not return void. My dear Enoch, if someone is able to find the truth because this Bible that was placed in your honor, then your life here- short as it was- was not in vain. 
Some doubts and fears still rise- the "What If's" being the most plaguing. Among some of the words of encouragement and advise a friend shared her story with me. Her little one was also called home before her meeting and the "what if's" consumed her and her husband. GOD showed them Philippians 4:8 and they made a pact- No "What If's" only "Whatever"
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.
When GOD decides to bring us your brothers and sisters, we are going to do our best to remember whatever, not what if. . .
Know that you are loved and missed, and will always be in my heart! Love always, your momma 

Bit by bit

Healing comes bit by bit, 
i thought after the first wave of pain, 
                                       hurt, 
                                            confusion and questions that i would be on the 

                Up and Up. . .

For the most part, i have been, but i still have moments of 

                                                            down, sadness and tears.

                   GOD has been so good to Mr. J and i

We are surrounded by loved ones and friends who have been praying, thinking about and encouraging us.

Healing has come through them.

i have received a couple bouquets of flowers, their beautiful colors and sweet fragrance scream life.

Healing has come through them.

There have been many songs either posted, recommended, or listened to on my favorite Pandora station, "Keith and Kristyn Getty" ... which is where i heard this song this morning.

Healing has come through --> this song

If you dont know SCC's family's story- i encourage you to look it up and read it. You will be touched. Because of the pain they went through, the song touched me and the pain GOD was bring me through.  

i am glad GOD is so creative in the ways HE brings about healing and growth in one's life. Through the above listed song my question "Why?!" was answered... Because, GOD is in Control! 

In that this momma rests. . .

 

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday my dear little one!

Though this day was not the one we were marking our calendars to, it is the day that the LORD said you would be celebrated and HE would be glorified!

Of all the things that i would love to give and do with you, none compare to the gift you have now received, time with the FATHER. 

Dear son, your daddy prayed for you this morning, that you would bask in the FATHER's glory, and now you are! Of all the things we dreamed of doing with you as you grew here in our hearts, arms and lives, you get to do the one thing we would have only been able to tell you about, and dream with you.

i have peace now, my dear son. You see, for the last several days, i needed to let go of you, but the sliver of hope that had me holding on, would not let that happen. 

The midwife never called with the lab results, and in my heart i knew. . . i knew it was time to say goodbye. 

With one breath i prayed GOD's will to be done AND that HE not let this happen. HIS plan and timing are perfect and though it doesnt make any sense, and i cry "Why?!" it doesnt change the unchangeable GOD we serve or HIS goodness. 

So dear one, your daddy and i name you Enoch Barnett-

Enoch: Dedicated, Consecrated

Barnett: Nobleman, Leader

Enoch, you got your name from a man in the Bible, i hope you will talk to! His testimony is that, he walked with GOD and then was no more. GOD took him away in a time that GOD thought best. Like you, his family had no warning or time to talk with him before he was gone. . . But they had faith in GOD. He had left his mark on their hearts with his love and dedication to the ONE who had formed him from the beginning. Enoch, now you get to walk, talk and be with that ONE who has been and always will be. HE will be able to tell you how much i love you- it is because of HIM i can love, but HE knows a depth of love i will have to wait to find out.

Your daddy wanted to be able to teach you how to skateboard, i am not sure they have those in heaven, but if they do, you will have to show him the best spots when we get there. 

Everyday we will think about you and what you may be doing or how big you would be, or what you looked like. We will remember you with celebration on the 5th of May and look forward to the day of  our reunion in heaven. Know my son that we love you. We are thankful for you and each day we had you here with us. 

Letting go is hard, it only makes it doable because of WHO i am letting you go to... Rest in HIM as i am.

Love always, your momma

Resting

This song was playing through my mind last night whenever i woke up- (which was several times) All i could remember was the bridge part, but after looking up the lyrics, the last verse really touched me. i am looking forward to hearing from the midwife on the blood work results. For now, i am resting.... 

Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.

Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

O, how great Thy loving kindness,
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O, how marvelous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Belovèd,
Know what wealth of grace is Thine,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings:
Thine is love indeed!

Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.

Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

Baby Mine

Baby Mine, 

Its funny how the events of just a few days can put you on such a roller-coaster of emotions. 
For several weeks your daddy and i have been applying for coverage so that we could see you and make sure you are growing strong and healthy.
Like anything - it takes time. (sometimes more than is needed but it is in those times that GOD teaches us patience)
i cant say that patience is something i have down, especially when it comes to you!
Everyone looks at your momma's growing belly and swears there must be more than one. (at times i have thought this as well, but we shall have to wait and see, or so i thought)
i was finally able to get an appointment to go to the doctor today. By my own calculations, you should be 12 going on 13 weeks old. Your development has been rapid and the critical stuff would be almost complete at this time. At the doctors today, the midwife tried giving me a peak of you. My heart sank as the probe searched, and you were not found. The growing sack was there, but not you. As she switched to an internal ultrasound, we were able to see a small little budding. No arms and legs yet, and my heart skipped a beat. What was wrong? 
Why, my baby, have you not grown? 
Where was your flipping and moving little self? 
Why is your momma so big, if you, baby mine, are not? . . .
i tried very hard to not let my mind run like crazy, but one thing you might as well know about your momma, i have a very imaginative mind- usually jumping to WCS (worse case scenario) My heart was racing and i tried to stay focused on what the midwife was saying throughout the rest of the visit. 
My thoughts and prayers are for you, my little P. It is funny how soon you have become a part of our lives and how much you effect the way we think and plan already. You are loved, thought of and prayed for on a daily basis and we can NOT wait to meet you! (there are many who can't!)
If your momma was wrong on math, which is a possibility (despite what you may one day think, i am not perfect ;) ) You may very well only be 8 weeks or so old- which would be right on target for what we saw today.
There are more tests to be run in two days, and in two weeks i get to have another peak at your growth and knitting that is taking place in my womb. 
Our GOD is good and taking good care of you. 
Rest in HIS hands till i can hold you in mine. 
Your daddy and i love you very much, 
your momma 

.25

 
Do you know what this is? 
If you answered quarter you are right, but do you know what it stands for? 

Do you?

One-fourth!

All around us, things cry "One-fourth!" Think about it, 1/4 a cup, 15 minute after the hour, half of a half, almost to the peak of the down-hill side, i could keep going, but i shant bore you! 

Today marks my quarter. My 10 week mark. My one-fourth of the way to being done cooking my kid (not really, but you know, got a bun in the oven? heehee) It hit me at how fast the last 10 weeks have flown by, and just think, the next 10 will too! At that point, i will be able to find out if its a boy or a girl! Mr. J and i have names, but i think we are holding out on saying them. Here is me with a friend of mine- (i was in her wedding, she was in mine, and now we are both pregnant! She is due in May- doesnt she look great?) 

 

 This was taken on our anniversary trip in March. i was not far along at all, but, as you can see in just a few short weeks, my belly has grown as my baby has!





As you can see, a little baby bump! 
On the right is my sister and i.She is due any day! When we were kids, we always played growing-up and having kids that
would be able to play together! i love how God works and is now making that happen! Her two boys are precious and keep everyone on their toes. Their stories always
make me smile! i hope that i can be as good a mom as she and my mom have been. Surely there will be lots to learn, and i will have lots of people to ask my questions to, but one of the biggest comforts i have held on to lately- is that God will give generously, wisdom, to all who ask- i am already making sure that is a daily habit! =)