Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Heart Condition

beep. beep. beep. beeeeeeeeeeeeep. . .
A heart monitor hooked to a patient showing the life left inside, makes a piercing sound that either gives a little hope or breaks the hope of loved ones waiting for a turn-a-round.

i have a very serious heart condition. Depending on the activity, it could be hazardous- maybe even fatal to my health.
My heart is very frail- been broken, and longing for more, with nothing but waiting on the horizon, i have to be careful the things i am involved in.

Tonight my CG went dancing. No its not a sin, and i even tried to convince myself that it would be ok if i went, but how foolish i was! (props to my parental units who help remind me of convictions and standards that i have placed in my heart) i never want to be comfortable in the arms of any guy. To be held is a special thing i am looking forward to, but i dont want it to become just something else that i do. i have dated, and i have been hugged and held close, and as a girl, that is a secure feeling! i miss that- and to use my brothers in my CG to fulfill a slight pleasure would have been VERY wrong on my part! i feel bad even thinking that, but i have to be honest with myself if things are going to be overcome in my life. . .

i chose to go to the lesson- and just watch. i wanted to be a part of my group and be there to cheer them on, and see what it was all about.
At first, everyone stood around and there was NO contact between guys and girls. i had a feeling rise of, "i could have done that!" But as the pairs shaped up, the longing to be on the dance floor rose too! i wanted to see if i was any good. i wanted to know what it would be like to learn something with someone. i wanted it to be me out there!

As i watched them grasp hands, turn, dance closer and laugh as they stepped on each other's feet- i knew i could have done it, and it would have felt good for a moment, but my critical heart condition would have gone red-line.
The friendships i have worked hard to build and maintain, would have crumbled. Emotions would have sored and i would be lost on the rollercoaster of- "It was so much fun when we danced! i wonder, what if. . ." and so forth and so on....

i had to reign in my heart and mind- God is good and by His grace i was able to enjoy being there and laugh along with them! i genuinely had a great time being there! One day, i will be a Mrs. and with my husband -
We will dance
When the sun is shining
In the pouring rain
We'll spin and we'll sway
And we will dance
When the gentle breeze
Becomes a hurricane
The music will play
And I'll take your hand
And hold you close to me
And we will dance
SCC_we will dance-chorus lyrics

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