As i think back over the evening, there is a DCB song line that keeps running through my head...
"The heart breaking, makes a sound, I never knew could be, so beautiful and loud. . . "
The song continues on talking about our humanity coming face to face with God and what happens is a beautiful collision- it may be painful at times, but beauty still in it all because of the grace God supplies.
CG held a few of such collisions tonight.
We talked on prayer.
Maybe not so much of a colliding topic, but it was for me. As we shared, talked, confessed, laughed and cried, i came to the point of realizing just how desperate i am for God- despite how i may be feeling, i am in the place of desperation.
Now, in my whole "churchy up-bringing" and SS lessons through the Lord's Prayer, and learning all the acrostics you can think of for learning to pray the right way, i put it all on the back burner. i wanted to be real. i dont think i have ever been "desperate" for anything in my entire life- much less God. i have sung the songs, (Im, lost without You, Im, desperate for You. . . ) i've read the Psalms, (As the deer pants for water, so my soul longs for (is desperate for) you) Really? Lip service. There has never been a time i can remember that i have been desperate for God... till tonight.
Rob-B read a part from a book(i wish i could share the name of it, but i dont know what the book was called) and it said that "God is attracted to weakness" i guess reflecting kind of on Paul's sharing "Of when I am weak than I am strong" (i think that is in 2 Corinthians??) But it got me to thinking. . .
If prayer is just a conversation, between me and God, there doesnt need to be a listed way to talk to Him, does there?
Well when we prayed tonight there sure wasnt. It was just us, and Him.
We were raw, exposed, and vulnerable - to one another and before God.
Put aside were the thoughts of what others were thinking about me, if i fumbled over words, lost a thought, couldnt use big terms... i was encompassed in the reality, that i was, and am in ever constant need of Christ. Shame on me to ever think i have it down pat.
Leftwich said it plainly- it has echoed through my heart all night.
"Help me to want to want that relationship with you"
i am confident that my relationship has already begun- but it has been stagnant for a while.
i am ready for a change. i have no words, other than the cry of my heart.
"im broken. Only You can fix me. i need You. . ."